


i'm the only thing that hasn't changed

by cafemoonbae



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Football | Soccer, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 11:42:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20816555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafemoonbae/pseuds/cafemoonbae
Summary: What does any of this mean anyway? If Hoseok was ready, Hyunwoo was too. Especially since Hoseok is younger than him.Isn’t he?He has to be ready.----part one playlist:x





	1. you are out of my league, got my heartbeat racing

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notakinnie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notakinnie/gifts).

> title from bazzi's amazing song changed
> 
> _update [6 Oct 2019]: added more tags to the story, so read carefully_   
_update [14 Oct 2019]: chapters 2 & 3 uploaded_   
_update [18 Oct 2019]: chapter 4 uploaded_   
_update [19 Oct 2019]: chapter 5 uploaded_   
_ update [29 Oct 2019]: chapter 6 uploaded_   
_update [05 Feb 2020]: chapter 7 uploaded_

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyunwoo thinks of it as a tally. With every new person, there was a new mark; with every night spent in pleasure, there was a new mark. There was something about that and it left a sour taste in Hyunwoo's mouth. It was douchey. Hyunwoo didn't like that it was douchey.
> 
> Hoseok wasn't douchey, at least, not to Hyunwoo. It felt like blaspheme on Hoseok's character to even say that Hoseok was douchey.
> 
> It felt strange, like staring at a porn magazine when you’re younger. You know you’re not supposed to, but you do it anyway, and it messes with you. That’s how Hyunwoo felt as his eyes trace down the contours of Hoseok's chest to the indent of his hipbone, following a line of hair down to where it meets his boxers. Hyunwoo just can’t stop staring. Hoseok was the definition of ethereal, of beauty and grace.
> 
> Hyunwoo loves him a lot, but that was given.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter:  
\- out of my league by fitz and the tantrums  
\- the ballad of me and my brain by the 1975  
\- my type by saint motel  
\- the sound by the 1975

They’re in the middle of the locker room shower when Hyunwoo noticed the bruise on Hoseok’s neck. His gaze is like a sniper, fixated on the purplish brand that was on Hoseok’s neck. It’s not perfectly round, it’s also not entirely purple if Hyunwoo got a good look at it. There are pinpricks of black set in deep purple, the borders are unclear and it’s roughly the size of a girl’s mouth. Leave it to Hyunwoo to find things wrong in the confines of a locker room shower, where everyone is going about their business like normal.

Hyunwoo wonders when Hoseok started wearing his conquests like a badge. It seemed as if all Hoseok did was count the number of people he slept with bruises and bites.

Hyunwoo thinks of it as a tally. With every new person, there was a new mark; with every night spent in pleasure, there was a new mark. There was something about that and it left a sour taste in Hyunwoo's mouth. It was douchey. Hyunwoo didn't like that it was douchey.

Hoseok wasn't douchey, at least, not to Hyunwoo. It felt like blaspheme on Hoseok's character to even say that Hoseok was douchey.

It felt strange, like staring at a porn magazine when you’re younger. You know you’re not supposed to, but you do it anyway, and it messes with you. That’s how Hyunwoo felt as his eyes trace down the contours of Hoseok's chest to the indent of his hipbone, following a line of hair down to where it meets his boxers. Hyunwoo just can’t stop staring. Hoseok was the definition of ethereal, of beauty and grace.

Hyunwoo loves him a lot, but that was given.

His immediate gut feeling to ask Hoseok what it’s like, hickeys, or the things that happened after it. Hyunwoo wanted to, but he won’t—it’s embarrassing to admit out loud that he’s basically a vestigial virgin. He has a reputation of being quite good with the ladies so admitting he’s never slept with a girl is, well, embarrassing. Hyunwoo has a reputation to uphold, unsure of how he got it in the first place, but still—he wasn’t just going to let it go. The popularity and mystery is..nice. He likes the way girls look at him and giggle, or how the guys on the football team respect him for it.

Admitting that he’s not all that and a bag of chips will set him back, no doubt about it, so he doesn’t. So what if he let this god awful reputation perpetuate in bullshit for so long that even Hyunwoo believes it to be true? It makes Hyunwoo feel powerful.

Confessing that he’s never had another person’s mouth on his neck? That he knows jack shit about the female anatomy?

Yeah, that’s never going to happen—Hyunwoo would never admit to that, he was just too prideful to do so.

“Hey, are you even listening?” Hoseok waves a hand in front of Hyunwoo's face, non-aggressively of course. His lips curve into a grin, and Hyunwoo finds himself frozen in place; Hoseok's smile could be classified as the eighth wonder of the world. Whenever he talks to someone, it’s like every star in the universe congregated to light up his smile. His happiness is blinding and he becomes the radiant soccer player he is: charismatic, confident and charming.

The worst part is that Hoseok doesn’t even know how polarizing he actually is. How everyone stops and stares when he’s around. He’s the perfect blend of masculine and feminine, so ethereal, so beautiful, so—Hoseok. Everyone loves him. Hoseok was a radiant beacon, everyone gravitated towards him--everyone cared about him.

Including Hyunwoo.

Especially Hyunwoo.

“Yeah, yeah,” Hyunwoo half-heartedly mumbled, “I’ll pay for lunch.”

“No, it’s alright,” Hoseok replied, patting Hyunwoo’s back, “I got it. You guys did good work today and, as captain of the team, I should pay-"

Hyunwoo checked out of the conversation a while back, internally grumbling about how he was just as attractive as Hoseok. He should be the one with the intense gravitational pull, the one who hypnotizes girls like moths to a flame. But even if he couldn’t be that, he should’ve at least lost his virginity first. Maybe if he hadn’t had the preconceived notion that romance and true love were the only real things that mattered when it came to giving yourself to someone, then he would’ve been the first one to lose his virginity, but things just didn’t work like that. His mother raised him too well for that.

Being a hopeless romantic was just as much a curse as it was a blessing.

He goes back into thought, wondering about how Hoseok looked like during sex--a strange thing to do when the person in question was quite literally your best friend. Hyunwoo imagined the sweat on Hoseok's brow, his flushed face, and body close to Hyunwoo's. Hyunwoo would tangle a hand in his black hair, massaging his scalp as they basked in the afterglow.

Hoseok would whisper an I love you, quiet and soft.

Hyunwoo would whisper it back, cupping his cheek and smiling a radiant smile.

Thinking about it brings butterflies to Hyunwoo's stomach, but Hoseok wasn't his. He knew that Hoseok wasn't his and that there was possibly no way that Hoseok would ever be his. He was undeniably straight, marked by the bruise on Hoseok's neck that Hyunwoo couldn't stop staring at.

“Are you forgetting that it’s your birthday? Hoseok, you’re a mad man,” Jooheon laughed, “Hyunwoo, Minhyuk and I will pay, no problem. Right guys?”

“Yeah,” Minhyuk replied, "Right, Hyunwoo-"

Minhyuk jabbed Hyunwoo's ribs, shocking him into answering yes. Hoseok smiled, wrapping his arm around Hyunwoo's shoulders. Normally, that'd be fine--he wouldn't get affected--but this gesture sent heat up his spine. Call it a crush, or whatever you want to call it, but Hyunwoo felt something he's never felt before.

What does any of this mean anyway? If Hoseok was ready, Hyunwoo was too. Especially since Hoseok is younger than him.  
  
Isn’t he?

He has to be.


	2. brace yourself for secret love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about it, period Hoseok,” Hyunwoo sighed, “If you’re not going to be responsible and respectful to her, then don’t talk about it. In fact, you don’t talk about someone you were about to be intimate with if you don’t treat them with dignity, but what do I fucking know, huh?” Hyunwoo slid out from his spot in the booth, throwing a few crumpled bills on the table. Hyunwoo grabbed his jacket, putting it on. Minhyuk looked at Hyunwoo quizzically as he made a beeline for the exit. 
> 
> “I already gave Jooheon my portion of the money, pay for the dinner and whatever, but I’m going home,” Hyunwoo announced, not noticing the looks he’d been getting from every other person sitting at the table with them. "Happy birthday, I guess." Hyunwoo walked out of the shop, pulling out his phone. He dialed Hyungwon to tell him he was going back and he just walked toward the complex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- still got time by zayn  
\- secret valentine (2006 demo) by we the kings  
\- tension by gianni & kyle  
\- defeated by bad suns

They go for ramyeon at the shop across the street from the soccer field. It’s a small shop, owned by someone in Jooheon’s family—Hyunwoo really didn’t remember who, ignoring the fact that he had been friends with Jooheon for three years already the specifics of who owned this shop was always something that escaped his mind.

Hoseok still had his arm around Hyunwoo’s shoulders and Hyunwoo noted he smelt like cinnamon apple: a clean fall scent that Hyunwoo associated heavily with warm blankets and warmth from a fireplace. Hoseok’s jacket dangled over one arm, and he looked like the kind of guy girls would fall head over heels for—sexually or romantically didn’t matter, Hoseok was the embodiment of attractiveness and the way he looked in that moment further accentuated the fact that Hoseok was unobtainable.

Hoseok would never like him back and, even though he hoped that he might have the slightest chance if the right circumstances arose, Hyunwoo was stuck in a loop of self-loathing and wishing that things were different. He supposed he should be thankful for that. After all, a lot of friendships have been ruined by falling in love. A lot of people get freaked out. Was a lot of people him or Hoseok?

Hyunwoo didn’t know which one it was at the moment, which was also dangerous. The hickey peeking out of Hoseok’s grey t-shirt cemented that into his brain.

They end up situating themselves in a booth towards the furthest corner of the wall, laughing and smiling with each other while Hyunwoo checked out for a moment.

“Ah, ramyeon, my only love,” Hoseok grinned, “Are you guys trying to get me fat?”

“Aish, like you could get fat with the amount of hours you spend in the gym, Hoseok-hyung,” Minhyuk chided, “Order whatever you want, hyung, happy birthday!” A chorus of happy birthdays followed suit and, even though Hyunwoo knew it would raise a few questions, all he could do was stare at the bruise.

Stare at it like it would magically go away if he stared at long enough.

“Hyunwoo-hyung,” Hoseok said, and Hyunwoo’s hyperaware of Hoseok’s hand on his thigh. Hoseok beamed his brilliant smile and Hyunwoo wanted to melt right then and there. “Are you gonna order?”

“Uh,” Hyunwoo stalled, “I’ll get what you’re getting. Just as long as you’re happy.”

Hoseok smiled and Hyunwoo's heart skipped a beat. 

They start talking about _it _soon after Hyunwoo’s lack of attention_._ Jooheon noticed the bruise on Hoseok’s neck and smirked, nudging Minhyuk and pointing toward it. Hyunwoo hoped they wouldn’t bring it up, that if the others saw anything they’d just leave it be because he didn’t want to hear about it. Hyunwoo wanted to think the best of Hoseok, which meant not asking any questions about the bruise or the smirk or whatever the fuck, but Hyunwoo was never that lucky.

Hyunwoo never got what he wanted. 

“Woo, Hoseok-hyung,” Minhyuk called out, “Did you get some last night?”

Hyunwoo stiffened.

“Very subtle hyung,” Gunhee commented. He’s got a notebook in hand because he’s always writing. Writing and Gunhee are two peas in a very tight-knit pod. Gunhee isn’t paying attention to the conversation, not even taking a break from scribbling down whatever he had in his brain to look up at Hyunwoo—who was mortified by the conversation ahead of them.

Hyunwoo knew that Gunhee had a girlfriend. Consequently, Hyunwoo thought that Gunhee had been body-checked a little too much by Joohyuk sitting in the corner over there.

“No,” Hoseok retorted. But when his face split into a grin, and he places an elbow on the table Hoseok continued, “I might have a chance though.”

Hyunwoo choked on a sip of water he had been taking. Gunhee lifted his face out of his notebook for a second, giving Hyunwoo a hard smack on the back until he could breathe again. He then shot Hyunwoo a weird look.

Thank god Hoseok doesn’t even notice.

“I mean, she’s interested,” Hoseok shrugged, “I have her exactly where I want her, Min. All I need is one more night with her and boom, she’ll be mine. I’m irresistible, she’ll be all over me in a matter of days, you’ll see. Her parents are gone for the weekend, then I'll be able to get it.”

Hyunwoo wanted to roll his eyes but instead aimed for an expression somewhat between impressed and exasperated, but it just turns out looking like he was annoyed—which he was, but he was trying to hide it. His brain to mouth filter malfunctioned, and instead of being the same polite Hyunwoo he’d always been, he was a little more sour. He wanted to tell Hoseok that he sounded douchey, that the way he spoke wasn’t _him_, but he’d fall on deaf ears. Hyunwoo felt a twitch in his eye.He felt itchy inside, anger heating his skin with a rage that wouldn’t extinguish unless he went home and cooled down.

He realized that this might be his and Hoseok’s first-ever _major_ argument, and it sucked, but he was ticked off for more than one reason: one, how dare Hoseok demean this girl to only a hookup. Did he care about the person he was talking about?

“Women aren’t objects,” Hyunwoo grumbled, scratching the back of his head, “That’s a bad fucking idea on your part.”

“Huh?”

“You heard me,” Hyunwoo said, confidently this time, “Women aren’t objects. You’re treating her—which, by the way, you’re not even calling her by her name—like an object. Like she’s a prize for completing a quest-“

The more irritated Hyunwoo got, the more standoffish Hoseok became. “How else am I supposed to say it, hyung? We got to third base but didn’t go forward with anything—”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be talking about it, period Hoseok,”Hyunwoo sighed, “If you’re not going to be responsible and respectful to her, then don’t talk about it. In fact, you don’t talk about someone you were about to be intimate with if you don’t treat them with dignity, but what do I fucking know, huh?” Hyunwoo slid out from his spot in the booth, throwing a few crumpled bills on the table. Hyunwoo grabbed his jacket, putting it on. Minhyuk looked at Hyunwoo quizzically as he made a beeline for the exit.

“I already gave Jooheon my portion of the money, pay for the dinner and whatever, but I’m going home,” Hyunwoo announced, not noticing the looks he’d been getting from every other person sitting at the table with them. "Happy birthday, I guess."Hyunwoo walked out of the shop, pulling out his phone. He dialed Hyungwon to tell him he was going back and he just walked toward the complex. 

He couldn’t help but get annoyed with how Hoseok talked about her. Was it jealousy? Possibly, but this uncharacteristic Hoseok was also irritating as much as he was douchey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof, Hyunwoo and Hoseok are in some shit now, huh? thank you so much for reading y'all!! if you liked it, don't hesitate to tell me in the comments below or on [twitter](https://twitter.com/yuto_pias)


	3. we move like the ocean, but i can't swim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyung, have you ever thought that it’s not your job to fix him?” Hyungwon said, “That you’re his friend, not his father and that his consequences are his own, not yours?” 
> 
> “I mean, yeah, I get that,” Hyunwoo replied, “But I still feel personally responsible, Hyungwon. We’ve been friends for so long and I feel like I’m inadvertently letting him destroy himself. I-” _love him and he’s just fucking with me right now. Did I fall for a true asshole?_ “Want him to be the best he can be for the lady lucky enough to marry him one day. He can’t just talk about people like all they are is a good fuck. That’s not right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- whywhywhy by misterwives  
\- alone by marshmello  
\- vandals by vinyl theatre  
\- cold cold man by saint motel  
\- we move like the ocean by bad suns

“Hyungwon, you still got smokes?” Hyunwoo asked, fumbling with the key in the lock.

“No, you told me to get rid of them so I did,” Hyungwon replied groggily, “Why?”

“I’m fucking pissed.” Hyunwoo took off his jacket, placing it on the coat rack by the front of the door. On the way home, he practically chewed his fingernails down to the skin and tried his best to just calm down. “Have you ever gotten the feeling that you don’t know your best friend? And that everything around you is changing so fast that you can’t keep up?” 

“This is about Hoseok-hyung?” Hyungwon grabbed some juice from the fridge and set it in front of Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo felt bad venting all his frustrations to Hyungwon like that, but Hyungwon was the closest thing Hyunwoo had to a therapist being a psych major and all, and it was just easier to talk to him. “What’s wrong? Tell me everything that you can.”

“Hoseok’s been changing and I don’t know if I like it, Hyungwon,” Hyunwoo sighed. Hyunwoo thought about how ready Hoseok was to throw love into someone he didn’t, how nonchalant he was with his words and his actions. “He went from nice and respectful to douchey and rude in a matter of days, Hyungwon.” 

Hyungwon nodded. Hyunwoo doesn’t tell him that he likes Hoseok, doesn’t tell him that jealousy is still coursing through his veins—no, he just vents. He comes to the realization that yeah, maybe Hoseok just wants everything done and over with. Hoseok probably doesn’t want to wait, and Hyunwoo doesn’t have anything to say about it.

He only had one thing in his head: Hoseok was braver than he was.

He thought about the fact that he totally would be ready if sex wasn’t filled with terrifying consequences. Awkward and outright horrible flashbacks of his mother talking about diseases and the amount of care that actually goes into taking care of a baby flash behind his eyelids. He shuddered. 

There are too many consequences and Hyunwoo already knew he wasn’t too great with consequences. 

Hyunwoo sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before he continued to speak, “Everything about him has changed. It’s strange, like I’m watching him evolve into something bad and I can’t do anything to stop it, Hyungwon.” In situations like this, where Hyunwoo’s emotions were out of whack and he didn’t know what to do, he had Hoseok to help him navigate. He had Hoseok to tell him it was okay. “It eats me up inside, Hyungwon because I should be telling him to wake the fuck up. As his hyung, I should be telling him there are better ways to do things and to treat people, and I can’t even do that because I’m so emotionally inept that I feel, what, three emotions? Anger, worry and happiness?” 

“Hyung, have you ever thought that it’s not your job to fix him?” Hyungwon said, “That you’re his friend, not his father and that his consequences are his own, not yours?” 

“I mean, yeah, I get that,” Hyunwoo replied, “But I still feel personally responsible, Hyungwon. We’ve been friends for so long and I feel like I’m inadvertently letting him destroy himself. I-” _love him and he’s just fucking with me right now. Did I fall for a true asshole? _“Want him to be the best he can be for the lady lucky enough to marry him one day. He can’t just talk about people like all they are a good fuck. That’s not right.”

“I mean, it’s understandable, Hyunwoo-hyung.” Hyungwon smiled at him. He finds a comfortable spot on the couch next to Hyunwoo, resting his head on Hyunwoo’s shoulder before continuing. “And you’re right, Hoseok-hyung shouldn’t be acting like that. Objectifying women is a douchebag thing to do. But you can’t go out and act like his dad—you’re so busy taking care of him and everyone else around you that you neglect to take care of yourself—”

“I take care of myself,” Hyunwoo sulked, “I’m in peak physical condition.”

“Not physically, Hyunwoo, mentally. It’s not healthy to doubt yourself because things other people do, it’s not healthy” Hyungwon retorted and yeah, maybe Hyungwon had a point. In fact, Hyungwon had a multitude of points over the multitude of years they’d been roommates, but Hyunwoo never took good advice apparently because he found himself in the same situation with more explosive results.

“I don’t know what to do.” Hyunwoo stretched his arms above his head, “Honestly, Hyungwon, I’m tired. I’m tired of watching him self-destruct and I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to sit and watch him make a fool of himself. I’m tired of it.”

“Hyung, it’s like I’ve always told you, you’re responsible for yourself first and foremost. You’re responsible for taking care of yourself and your family. Everything else comes second,” Hyungwon sighed, "And that means Hoseok-hyung too. If spending all your time worrying with him is causing you mental unwellness, then you need to take a break." 


	4. i really really wanna love u

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyunwoo, please?” Hoseok batted his eyelashes, tapping his fingers against the wooden table, which is totally, one-hundred percent cheating by the way. Hyunwoo liked Hoseok’s hands. He liked the way they’re always moving, always drumming, always active when he’s speaking. Hoseok’s hands speak a language all on their own, with calluses and all, and sometimes when they crashed together Hyunwoo and Hoseok would measure their hands against each other, palm to palm. Hyunwoo would store all the differences in his head: the scars, the length, the warmth. He always observed for as long as he could, fascinated by how warm and soft Hoseok’s hands are. It’s a whisper of summer heat in the middle of a cold Korean winter. 
> 
> Hyunwoo’s adamancy and resolve blew away like dandelion fuzz on a slightly breezy day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- love u by monsta x  
\- pretend by bad suns  
\- unfair love by monsta x  
\- the cool vs the pretty (FT vs PRI) by ftisland

Hoseok showed up at Hyunwoo’s apartment a few days after their debacle to invite him to a party. Because of a girl named Haneul. Hyunwoo was beyond pissed.

“I don’t want to got Hoseok,” Hyunwoo stated, “Besides, you’re normally not into these types of parties either, so why do you all of a sudden want to go?” He tried to not sound bitter, knowing that if Hoseok was going to step out of his comfort zone he was most likely doing it for a girl, and he saw the glare in Hoseok’s eyes. Honestly, though, Hyunwoo really didn’t want to go anywhere just for Hoseok’s sake. He was really trying to take Hyungwon’s advice about putting himself first, something that he realized that he hadn’t been doing with a few days of introspection.

“Yoon Haneul is going to be there,” Hoseok scoffed, “I can’t just _not _go—she’s like, the most popular girl in school and she’s quite literally an animal in bed—”

Hyunwoo stared at him.

He couldn’t believe that this was the same Hoseok who refused to kill spiders because everything had a significant value, the same Hoseok who almost rescued an entire litter of puppies because sending them away hurt him. Hoseok was sweet and kind, but ever since the restaurant incident he’s changed: he’s a whole new person, one that Hyunwoo couldn’t wrap his mind around no matter how hard he tried.

Although Hoseok changed, however, Hyunwoo wouldn’t consider him a slut like a lot of people in school like to whisper—nothing of the sort. In fact, it wasn’t his place to demean and reduce Hoseok to simple words and phrases partially due to the fact that Hyunwoo knew better. Whether he liked the changes or not, Hyunwoo had to accept the fact that Hoseok was an adult that made his own choices.

Falling in love too quickly being one of them. Bragging about his sexual encounters was another one.

Hoseok _tried _to hold onto his relationships, held onto them like a pitbull with a ball in its mouth, but now, Hoseok had been in at least three relationships and kept at least one fuck-buddy. Hyunwoo can’t catch up. Hyunwoo doesn’t _want _to catch up. He doesn’t like to chastise people, but that’s a little too much for one year. There was no processing life outside of a relationship, something that Hoseok obviously needed to do in order to see how fucked everything he’s actually doing is. 

“Yo, who is this cyborg that replaced my best friend? Why would you say that? Out loud where people can hear you?” Hyunwoo said as he swatted Hoseok’s arm, a smack resonating through the apartment. 

“Aish, Hyunwoo please,” Hoseok laughed, “You know Lina and I broke up already, right? This is an opportunity to meet new people and survey the possibilities. Who knows, maybe you’ll find someone too.”

“While that is true, Hoseok, I’m not looking for anybody right now,” Hyunwoo replied, “I also think you can find better.” Hyunwoo grabbed the pan from its place underneath the counter, sighing as he placed it on to the stove. “Go without me, you should enjoy what time you have left to party—once senior year comes around, you’re gonna be swamped with assignments and projects and a dissertation, sometimes without break.”

“Hyunwoo, please?” Hoseok batted his eyelashes, tapping his fingers against the wooden table, which is totally, one-hundred percent cheating by the way. Hyunwoo liked Hoseok’s hands. He liked the way they’re always moving, always drumming, always active when he’s speaking. Hoseok’s hands speak a language all on their own, with calluses and all, and sometimes when they crashed together Hyunwoo and Hoseok would measure their hands against each other, palm to palm. Hyunwoo would store all the differences in his head: the scars, the length, the warmth. He always observed for as long as he could, fascinated by how warm and soft Hoseok’s hands are. It’s a whisper of summer heat in the middle of a cold Korean winter. 

Hyunwoo’s adamancy and resolve blew away like dandelion fuzz on a slightly breezy day. 

The party wasn’t _that_ bad. There’s beer and beer pong and Hyunwoo knew a majority of the people who were there, thank god. Minhyuk and Jooheon were there, pressed closely up against each other like they wouldn’t ever get a moment like this one ever again and Changkyun, party host, looked as dashing and as emo as ever. Hyunwoo even saw Gunhee curled on the couch with a book—how he could even read in this type of environment was beyond Hyunwoo, but everyone he knew was chock-full of surprises. 

It was a good time for a Friday, right up until Yoon Haneul made her appearance. Hyunwoo wondered what Hoseok saw in her, begrudgingly introducing himself before she clung to Hoseok like dust to a computer screen. Yoon Haneul was popular, yes, but that didn’t excuse the fact that she had _zero_ likable qualities to her and Hyunwoo thought her irredeemable qualities were compensated by treating Hoseok like he was a god that she wanted to worship. 

On her knees. 

With her mouth, most likely. 

They’re getting in each other’s personal space now—getting really, _really_ handsy, and Hyunwoo hasn’t been this uncomfortable since the last time he heard his parents argue over trivial things they ended up hashing out before dinner time. Watching the kissing was especially bad because deep down Hyunwoo knew he was going to dream about it, dream about tongue and teeth and spit and carnal desires. 

He knew he was going to dream of the absolute certainty that he’d be Hoseok’s at the end of the night. 

On a normal day, Hyunwoo wouldn’t give as many as two shits about the way Hoseok kissed girls, the way he was gentle and artistic, painting beautiful patterns with his tongue. But today, when Hyunwoo’s half-drunk off lukewarm alcohol and his own self-loathing, he’s less interested in being a casual observer.

Or an observer at all, in fact. 

Hoseok had an intense look in his eye, crazier then the focus he had on the soccer field, and Hyunwoo didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know where his hands should have been, or why’s heart is pounding in his chest, spastic almost. The place where Hoseok had been was just negative space now.

It probably wouldn’t even be the same, Hyunwoo logically thought, if he ever got a kiss from Hoseok. For one, Hyunwoo was a bit taller than him—Hoseok would have to crane his head upwards to connect with his lips, which would probably mess everything up and—yeah. Hyunwoo looked down at his shoes.

It wouldn’t be good. Which was fine, Hyunwoo didn’t want to be kissed by Hoseok in a crowded room anyway. That would be dumb. Hyunwoo has a dick and Hoseok was definitely straight. Hoseok didn’t like him that way.

Probably.

Definitely, if the way he was going at Haneul told him anything.


	5. you can make me drown, hold me tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hoseok grinned. “Alright. C’mon, Hyunwoo.” Hoseok shrugged like it’s not a big deal. Hyunwoo took a sip of his beer, feeling it burn in his stomach before lying flat on the counter. He wanted to go home. Hyunwoo felt himself getting pulled toward the kitchen counter, shirt pulled up to his armpits and Hoseok grinning at him. Haneul’s grin was apparent and Hyunwoo hated it—he hated the fact that he was being a pawn in Hoseok’s plan to get laid. 
> 
> “Excuse me? Hoseok,” Hyunwoo whispered, “Aren’t you trying to get laid? Why aren’t you doing body shots off of her?” 
> 
> “Because she wants me to do body shots off of you,” Hoseok replied, with his mouth closing over Hyunwoo’s navel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- horizon by i.m x elhae  
\- narcissist (feat. the 1975) by no rome   
\- fallingforyou by the 1975   
\- just another girl by the killers  
\- smile like you mean it by the killers

“What’s wrong?” Hoseok panted, nudging his nose again the line of Haneul’s throat. She’s trailed her finger down Hoseok’s bicep. Hyunwoo was still angry. 

_Everything is wrong,_ Hyunwoo wanted to reply, but instead, he kept quiet. He should’ve known he was going to be the eternal third wheel because life just fucking loved him that much. He marched his way over to the kitchen, pouring a drink 

“This party isn’t nearly as fun as I thought,” she sighed, “Why don’t we spice it up?”

Haneul put her hands in Hoseok’s pockets and they swayed to the generic party beat that played through the speaker. They were pressed close together and Hyunwoo fought the urge to gag in his mouth. Maybe it was because he had a little crush, maybe, but it could’ve also been from the fact that he was annoyed with Hoseok too.

“And how would you propose we do that?”

Hoseok grinned back at Hyunwoo for a split second, reveling in the fact that Haneul was eating everything up like it was sugar. Hyunwoo rolled his eyes. He wasn’t the wingman for whatever sexual escapade Hoseok decided to sign himself up for. Hyunwoo wanted to go home now more than ever.

“Um,” she pondered, “I wanna see you do some body shots-”

“Great-”

“Off of him.” She pointed directly at Hyunwoo and he looked over his shoulder. Surely, she meant someone else. Haneul giggled at her own brilliance, impressed with the fact that she had come up with an idea that Hyunwoo thought was a bit moronic. Beside the point, there was no way that Hoseok was going to do that. Hoseok isn’t There was no way that Hoseok was going to do that-

Hoseok grinned. “Alright. C’mon, Hyunwoo.” Hoseok shrugged like it’s not a big deal. Hyunwoo took a sip of his beer, feeling it burn in his stomach before lying flat on the counter.He wanted to go home. Hyunwoo felt himself getting pulled toward the kitchen counter, shirt pulled up to his armpits and Hoseok grinning at him. Haneul’s grin was apparent and Hyunwoo hated it—he hated the fact that he was being a pawn in Hoseok’s plan to get laid.

“Excuse me? Hoseok,” Hyunwoo whispered, “Aren’t you trying to get laid? Why aren’t you doing body shots off of her?”

“Because she wants me to do body shots off of you,” Hoseok replied, with his mouth closing over Hyunwoo’s navel. Hyunwoo hoped that was the end of it because he can tell that Hoseok is just about to wince at the tequila burning his throat, but then Hyunwoo felt a soft tongue dipping into his belly button. Hoseok had been licking whatever droplets were left over.

Hyunwoo couldn’t help the shudder that wracked through his body, the sudden rush of blood that made its way down toward his groin. There’s a wet suck, and suddenly everyone’s hooting and hollering and Hyunwoo can’t take it anymore. Hoseok was far too close right now, mouth latching onto the lime wedge sticking out of Hyunwoo’s lips. Their mouths are nearly touching and it’s an electrifying thrill that Hyunwoo felt in his bones once Hoseok got a hold of the lime.

He should’ve never showed up. 

What makes it a hundred times worse is the fact that, when Hoseok pulls back, he grins at Hyunwoo like this whole entire thing was one big joke. It wasn’t a joke. It wasn’t even funny. It wasn’t funny that Hyunwoo was half hard because of Hoseok’s god damn mouth, it wasn’t funny thatHoseok goes to pull Haneul into a kiss like he’s completed the quest to get the princess’s attention. It wasn’t funny that Hoseok kept messing with Hyunwoo’s already confusing as fuck feelings.

It just made him mad. Mad at the fact that Hyunwoo was nothing more than an eternal wingman. He was tired of it.

“Hoseok,” Hyunwoo stays sharply because it’s just not fair.

He knew he was throwing a fit, like a child in a store when they want to get something, but he doesn’t care. He shouldn’t be forced to put up with this any longer. Why should he have to do this when he didn’t want to? Why did he show up to this party when he clearly told Hoseok no? Because he was a nice guy? Fuck that, it was Hyunwoo’s life that Hoseok was messing with.

“Hyung, why are you being so shy? You’re not exactly a virgin yourself my dude,” Hoseok pulled back, lips red and swollen and Hyunwoo flushed red. It was like a horrid itchy blush that lit underneath his skin like a sunburn, revealing a million secrets across his face like a roadmap.

Of course, Hoseok’s mouth dropped open and, for a moment, Hyunwoo thought he was going to say something—-ask what’s wrong or something—but Haneul buried her face into Hoseok’s collarbone. Her arms were like rope around his middle, tying him up and pulling him away.

It was like Hyunwoo wasn’t even there and, in retrospect, he really wished he hadn’t shown up either. His eyes were glassy and his chest was heavy and he rushed to sit up, pulling his shirt down in the process and leaving. He pulled out his phone, sending a quick message to Hyungwon to tell him he was going home.

He left the party fuming, wondering how the hell everything ended up like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...hyunwoo and hoseok have a lot of things to sort through before anything gets better y'all. i'm so sorry sksks,,,if you wanna talk about this fic or any of my others comment below, or on 


	6. life is moving, can't you see, there's no future left for you and me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah, but I feel so lame,” Hyunwoo sighed, “It feels one hundred percent lame to cry over someone who doesn’t like guys, for starters. It’s also one hundred percent lame to cry when the person in question is your best friend and you get pulled into all his stupid plans like you aren’t anything but an eternal fucking wingman—”
> 
> “It’s not lame, Hyunwoo,” Hyungwon replied, “Really, feeling emotions and expressing them—even if it’s to one other person—isn’t lame. It’s healthy.”
> 
> “I just feel so—”
> 
> “Say lame one more time and I’ll lock you out of the apartment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- yes i'm changing by tame impala  
\- sweet chaos by day6  
\- when you were young by the killers  
\- the less i know the better by tame impala  
\- feels like we only go backward by tame impala  
\- elastic heart by sia

Hyunwoo doesn’t see Hoseok after that day. He didn’t want to see him, didn’t want to hear from him, didn’t even want to be _around _him. Maybe it was time to give up on Hoseok, even though Hyunwoo never gave up on anyone ever. He sat on the balcony at his apartment, a freshly bought cigarette box held tight in his hand, and the thought of giving up flashed brightly in his brain like a large neon sign. It beckoned him closer and, as he took a cigarette from the box, he sighed.

He didn’t quite know why, but as everything crumbled away he hoped that this all was just a weird dream he’d wake up from soon. He gripped the lighter in his hand, watching the flame glow in the midst of the night, and lit the cigarette.

He took a puff from the cigarette, feeling the nicotine passing through his lungs. It was satisfying and, at the same time, not—Hyunwoo hadn’t smoked in a long time, since Hyungwon was trying to quit he refused to bring anything that could hurt him, but he broke.

It was hard to believe that everything that had transpired over the last few days was real and not an elaborate prank waiting to be aired on television, or that this was a horrific dream sequence he had eagerly waited to wake from, but the more he sat and dwelled the more upset he got. Hyunwoo sighed, fidgeting with his hands. He wondered how everything got like this, how everything could get so fucked up in a matter of two weeks, and all he could feel was irritation and disappointment settle in his stomach. 

He didn’t know how everything ended up like this, why everything turned to garbage in a matter of weeks, all he knew was that it didn’t sit right with him and Hyunwoo wanted to stop thinking about him. It would do him so good to just put Hoseok out of his thoughts.

Thoughts of Hoseok were intrusive, Hyunwoo couldn’t help but notice, and he couldn’t stop thinking about him: his lips on his navel, his shit-eating grin—the way he pressed himself against Haneul without a second thought. He honestly thought it was irritating, how everything Hoseok did was so nonchalant and casual—there was nothing serious about Hoseok and it irritated Hyunwoo to no end. Did Hoseok even think about the consequences of his own actions? Probably not. Did Hoseok even care about what he put Hyunwoo through? _Probably not. _Every thought of Hoseok felt like a brand on his mind, a permanent scar he’d rather forget at this point in time.

The door swung open with barely any sound and Hyunwoo only noticed someone was home when he heard the sliding door slide open with its usual creaks and groans.

“Ah, Hyungwon, when did you get here?” Hyunwoo asked, trying to brush his tears off his face as quickly as they kept appearing. “How was your date?”

“It went well, but I don’t think I’m going to be seeing her again,” Hyungwon treaded, “Hyung, what’s wrong? What happened? Weren’t you supposed to be with Hoseok-hyung at a party or something?”

Hyunwoo curled in on himself, bringing his head to his knees. He really didn’t want to talk about Hoseok right now. 

“I came home early. I wasn’t quite feeling it,” Hyunwoo replied and, with a shrug of his shoulders, he straightened up. “Too loud over there, I couldn’t even think.” 

“What else happened? Loud noises can’t be the _only _reason why you came home,” Hyungwon asked, meeting Hyunwoo’s eyes. “You’re on a soccer team with Jooheon and Minhyuk, I don’t think it was just the loud noises that made you want to go home, but I could be wrong.”

Hyunwoo paused, taking a breath before he replied. Was it fair to Hyungwon to vent only to him.

“He’s playing me,” Hyunwoo said, “Inadvertently or not, Hoseok is playing me like a god damn fiddle and I let him just so he impress some fucking girl.” Hyunwoo laughed, hands clenched into fists at his side. “All because I’ve never been able to say no to him in my _life. _It’s about time that came to royally fuck me sideways, huh Hyungwon?” Tears poured down his cheeks and all Hyungwon felt he could do was hold him tight. “Ah, I probably look like such an idiot crying over him right now.”

“You don’t, hyung,” Hyungwon replied, “It’s okay to cry. I’m here, it’s alright.” Hyungwon sighed, reaching out to embrace Hyunwoo. “Hyunwoo, it’s alright to be emotional over something that bothers

Hyungwon had always been the most reliable when everything went to shit.

“It hurts a lot,” Hyunwoo hiccuped, trying to keep the tears back, “And the funny part is, I can’t pinpoint _exactly_ why it hurts so much anymore. It just _does._”

“It’s reasonable to feel that way,” Hyungwon continued, “A lot of things are changing on you all at once, and you weren’t prepared for any of it.”

“Yeah, but I feel so lame,” Hyunwoo sighed, “It feels one hundred percent lame to cry over someone who doesn’t like guys, for starters. It’s also one hundred percent lame to cry when the person in question is your best friend and you get pulled into all his stupid plans like you aren’t anything but an eternal fucking wingman—”

“It’s not lame, Hyunwoo,” Hyungwon replied, “Really, feeling emotions and expressing them—even if it’s to one other person—isn’t lame. It’s healthy.”

“I just feel so—”

“Say lame one more time and I’ll lock you out of the apartment.”

“Okay, fine. I won’t call myself lame anymore.” Hyunwoo stretched his arms out in front of him, “I’m gonna head to my room, I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, see ya tomorrow,” Hyungwon nodded, watching Hyunwoo retreat into the apartment. “Yah, Son Hyunwoo!” 

“Hm?” 

“Stop moping around you big teddy bear. Go to sleep and process what you’re thinking once you’re feeling better,” Hyungwon said, closing the screen door. 

Hyunwoo nodded, opening the door of his room. 

Hyunwoo didn’t want to date five girls, didn’t want to be someone he wasn’t, just to please some construct. He didn’t want to lose himself, his voice, and his values over something as trivial as sex, something as trivial as an unrequited love—Hyunwoo needed to let go of him, leave before it got too late for him to do so.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Hyunwoo was already in too deep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> anyway, i hate the "hyungwon is cold and heartless" trope in monsta x fics,,,so i'm not writing it bc hyungwon deserves the world


	7. please take me anywhere but here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything weighed so heavily on his mind, and Hyunwoo wishes he could be like the people stumbling about--carefree and living in the moment--but he knows he can't due to the risk of him falling apart. So, before he reaches his shared apartment, he slumps down to the floor and brings his head to his knees. HIs mind races with thoughts of Hoseok. What was he doing? Was he alright? 
> 
> It was always Hoseok. 
> 
> Hoseok this. Hoseok that. 
> 
> It didn't matter at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> songs of the chapter  
\- boys will be bugs by cavetown  
\- anywhere but here by mayday parade  
\- love it if we made it by the 1975  
-i just wanna run by the downtown fiction  
\- natural by imagine dragons

Kihyun is a culinary arts major that Hyunwoo meets after leaving the dumpster fire that was Im Changkyun's party--where his heart was ripped out of his chest yet again and he was left to deal with the consequences on the way home. They meet in their shared hallway in the apartment complex, watching as plenty of college kids stumble along to their rooms. Hyunwoo sighs. 

Everything weighed so heavily on his mind, and Hyunwoo wishes he could be like the people stumbling about--carefree and living in the moment--but he knows he can't due to the risk of him falling apart. So, before he reaches his shared apartment, he slumps down to the floor and brings his head to his knees. HIs mind races with thoughts of Hoseok. What was he doing? Was he alright? 

It was always Hoseok. 

Hoseok this. Hoseok that. 

It didn't matter at all. 

HIs mind had always been filled with Hoseok, overwhelmingly so, and Hyunwoo doesn't know what to with it--with all the feelings. It was much easier when he was stoic and cold, when his emotions didn't cloud everything--right before he realized his love for Hoseok was more than platonic. 

Hyunwoo sometimes wishes that he could go back to that, everything would be less confusing now.

He sits there, head in his knees, and thinks about everything: how easily it was for Hoseok to hardwire Hyunwoo's brain, how hard Hyunwoo's fallen for him--why did he even have hope that Hoseok would like him back. How could he be so blind? It was obvious that Hoseok wasn't interested. 

Why did his heart attach itself to someone as unobtainable as Lee Hoseok? 

It sucks that, even when he's pissed off beyond all reason at him, Hyunwoo still wonders if Hoseok is safe. He wonders if the surprised doe eyed look Hoseok had given him in the moments before he left meant something, meant that he finally caught on or something.

Because it sure as hell meant something for Hyunwoo. 

He feels pathetic, like he shouldn't even hope anymore. Hoping leads to struggling when it comes to unrequited love.

"Hey," the stranger--who he'd learn soon after would be Kihyun--says quietly, "Are you okay?" He hands Hyunwoo a tissue to clean his tears off with, and Hyunwoo graciously accepts it. "It's alright if you don't want to say anything, I know we don't know each other and all--" 

"I'll be fine," Hyunwoo responds, "Just give me a few minutes and I'll be on my way." Hyunwoo picks himself up off the ground, trying not to look so bleary and weak. He felt pathetic, looking like a kicked puppy to a stranger. "Sorry for bothering you." 

"It's not bothering me," the other man replies, "I thought someone was hurt, so I just came out to check if everything was alright." As Hyunwoo straightens himself out, smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt just a little bit. He notice the stranger's smile, small and almost as if he felt sorry for him--but who wouldn't? His display of sadness might as well been broadcasted to the entire world at this point. "I'm Kihyun, by the way. I live in the apartment down the hall." 

"Hyunwoo. I live upstairs." 

"Well, Hyunwoo," Kihyun asks, "Have you eaten?" Hyunwoo tilts his head slightly to the right, confused like a puppy. "I know it's almost twelve in the morning, but I can whip you up something to eat. Have plenty of ingredients in my apartment, being a culinary arts major and all."

"I-uh-are you sure?"

"Positive. Whatever you want that I have the ingredients for."

"Ah, okay." Hyunwoo smiles a little bit. "A-are you sure about this Kihyun, won't your roommate-"

"I don't have one." Kihyun grabs Hyunwoo by the hand. "So I don't think they'll mind at all."

He doesn't remember swapping numbers with him that night, mind too cloudy with lingering thoughts of Hoseok and good food to even notice his body auto-piloting. Handing off his phone for Kihyun to put in his number was easy. It didn't take that much effort. Maybe it was because he was lonely, that he asked for Kihyun's number. Maybe it was because Hyunwoo finally wanted to move on, but he swaps numbers with Kihyun and smiles a genuine smile for the first time in a very long time. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so hyunwoo meets kihyun oWo. 
> 
> so, i know that this is shorter than the other chapter and i apologize profusely for that. this chapter was straight to the point though and adding more felt strange to me haha. i hope everyone enjoyed!!!


End file.
